Donning Your Heavy Mettle To Ascend From Moments Of Cowardice To A Life Of Courage
Greetings *|FNAME|*,
In August, I attended the Annual Conference of the American Society of Association Executives in Cleveland, and was particularly struck by keynote speaker Adam Kinzinger's remarks about his experience as a U.S. Congressman.
When he voted to impeach former President Trump and subsequently expressed ongoing concern to colleagues, Kinzinger was censured by the Republican National Committee and eventually resigned. Kinzinger talked about how difficult it was to be abandoned by his tribe, especially when eleven of his extended family members sent him a certified letter telling him he no longer was a part of their family. Kinzinger also spoke of his desire to be a good father and strong example for his young son, all while enduring death threats towards his family because he persisted in standing for what he believed was right. Whatever one's opinion might be about his stance, standing for his truth in the face of such personal rejection is certainly an act of courage.
This has me thinking about times in my own life where courage has arisen (or didn't). I recently had my annual checkup (hurray! I'm still cancer-free!) and met with the plastic surgeon responsible for my breast reconstruction. Because of his neglect post-surgery in not arranging a handoff to a Tallahassee doctor for drain removal, I nearly died earlier this year. Therefore, I went into the meeting seeking some compassion and accountability, but that wasn't what I received. Instead, the surgeon handed me a book he wrote and said "I bought this for you and thought it would be helpful for you to read Chapters X, Y and Z, so that you could perhaps see what you didn't quite understand before." The way he framed his comments, with a thread of being the victim running through his words, made it seem like he felt THIS was my problem, and not his. Unfortunately, I felt intimidated by his manner and couldn't muster a response I was proud of. I went in to courageously face the situation, but left feeling cowardly, and not able to stand on my truth. I wish I could have been courageous in that moment.
It's reassuring to remember I've had more courageous moments in my life. Like years ago, when I was first starting out as a business owner and unsuccessfully project-managing a contract with a national non-profit. Because I didn't draw lines in the sand early on with funder review cycles, the project schedule really went off the rails. I readily admitted my mistakes and committed to self-fund the project to completion in order to meet our contractual obligations. Standing strong on the truth at that point was just as scary as talking with the surgeon, and even potentially financially ruinous. But my honor was more important than quenching my fear with compromise, and integrity is priceless. Fortuitously, everything ended up working out okay, but it is instructive that the courage of yesterday is still tested into the present with new obstacles.
C.S. Lewis said "Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point." And Merriam-Webster defines mettle as an "ingrained capacity for meeting strain or difficulty with fortitude and resilience." So to feel whole, we must courageously face periodic situations that challenge us emotionally, socially, financially, and professionally, then be true to our conscience. It takes exercising courage in the face of financial difficulty, or holding beliefs different than those you care about, or even facing life-threatening circumstances with courage and integrity, to forgo short-term gain of some kind in favor of long-term success.
Courage is a trait and valuable learned skill that is only forged through adversity. Here are 3 ways to help fortify this trait in your life:
Leverage Your Mirror Neurons
Replaying an event in your mind, and thinking through step-by-step how you would do it differently, is a powerful behavior change strategy based in the use of mirror neurons in your brain. Mirror neurons fire when we an action or if we see someone else doing the action. For example, athletes use their mirror neurons to repeatedly think through their desired performance, like a gymnastics routine or running a race with hurdles. Then the brain's neurological structure fires as if they were physically performing the task. This even happens when we vision forward a different, more courageous approach to the situation step-by-step. Our brains will remember the new way as if it really happened and cement that in memory.
Increase Self-Regulation
Another aspect to developing courage is self-regulation. Firmly aligned with goal-setting theory and including application also of mirror neurons, it involves experiencing adversity, remembering what we did, reaffirming the goal, and then considering what specifically we did that led to not achieving the goal. This kind of constructive feedback tells us how close we came to achieving the actual goal and helps us determine our next steps. We then walk it through in our heads to be clear how we want it to go next time, making one or two incremental changes. We repeat this process through additional failures, initial successes, and keep getting up when we are knocked down. Being courageous takes practice.
Apply Triangulation Techniques
A triangle is the smallest stable relationship system. In his Bowenian Family Systems Theory, Dr. Murray Bowen said that all social systems are made up of countless sets of 3 connections, with each 3-way connection forming a "triangle." To summarize, when there is a tension in a relationship between two people, between two business entities, or between two other parties, a third will be brought in to offload the strain and stabilize the system. For a married couple, it could be another family member or a family therapist. For a business, a mediator or representative board. If the third party is a person who is emotionally immature, where emotions trump logic, the anxiety will just jump around from person to person, and nothing will be solved. But with an emotionally mature and stable third party in the triangle, where the third point of the triangle should be neutral and uninvested in a conflict, the system will be more likely to calm down and direct forward productivity. Rotating the stress among the triangle's members in this healthy manner helps each build the resilience which can help improve the outcomes of courageous acts.
Each day of our lives presents high stakes of risk and reward, failure and success. Courage is earned step by step, and punch after punch. Despite the many setbacks of life, it's important we own the consequences of our actions, and get back in the ring time after time to learn and grow. It's critical to adhere to your conscience and ethics in the face of temptation, because the fight isn't over until that last bell rings.
By choosing to be courageous in this wild adventure called life, Adam Kinzinger models one more storied example, inspiring me to continue doing the hard things in my life, with integrity. Powerful stories of personal heroism and professional courage to overcome fear or shame are deeply motivating for most of us, and that is one of the reasons our team at Change by Design likes to utilize storytelling vignettes when designing and developing skills-based training coursework. When we share our unique stories of courage, be they personal or professional, we inspire others to overcome challenges that on their own, they might not even be able to imagine overcoming in their own lives.
In that vein, I'd love to hear any personal or professional anecdotes you're willing to share, about when you were courageous in the face of difficult odds. Living a life of courage allows each of us to become all that we are capable of. So keep your head up, modifying trajectory to align conscience with action when needed, and never... never ever... give up.
Courageously,
Sue
Email | LinkedIn | V-Card
