Transforming Business Marriages of Convenience or
Expedience into Long-Term Synergistic Partnerships
Greetings *|FNAME|*,
As I've spent time recently in physical therapy and occupational therapy, partnerships have been on my mind. Kelly, my occupational therapist at Be Strong Therapy, has two partners. And she's talked about how a partnership is a lot like a marriage. If that's the case, I reasoned, then perhaps there are similar principles with marriage that can help or hinder a partnership. Ever the scholar, I went outside of personal experience, and back to a literature source to revisit this concept more deeply about informal vs formal partnerships.
In Dr. John Gottman's Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, there are a couple of principles that come to mind when I think about Change by Design's informal partnership with ISF. The first was nurturing fondness and admiration, which we have done through regular communication and special recognition. This included Christmas gifts that were appropriate and relevant to our partners at their offices. The second example was putting ourselves in our partners' shoes. We've been diligent in not shortcutting our agreements, and violating trust, whenever we were approached by a client of theirs to bid on projects directly and save money.
The book also has lessons for internal conflicts, like any I might face as the ownership of Change by Design transitions. Gottman says that when there's a conflict, following these steps can change the dynamic for the better:
- Soften your startup – attacks don't work. Partners often prioritize things differently, yet both must carry equal weight. And sometimes I don't have all the information that's driving particular behaviors. So I consider approaching any complaint we have with curiosity rather than accusation, grounded in facts we both agree on.
- Make and receive repair attempts – find a way to mitigate the other person's bristles. People have different triggers, so I listen carefully, don't take things personally, and always focus on making the solution a win-win. We're all in it together!
- Soothe yourself and your partner – calm the situation down. I make sure to help manage expectations and temperature so that we are able to overcome challenges together, rather than from an adversarial posture.
- Compromise. More on that below, but sometimes there are impasses. I help maintain strong relationships by avoiding power struggles that lead to deadlock. After all, my partner has good reasons for thinking and feeling what they do, even if I see things differently.
- Be tolerant of each other's faults. We all make mistakes, and success means moving forward instead of dwelling on past shortcomings. Our business relationship is stronger than speedbumps.
Even when you apply these principles, or earnestly take steps to resolve conflict, a partnership may be toxic. Interestingly, Gottman says he can determine in five or fewer minutes whether or not a marriage is in good shape. So with a business partnership, if any of these four issues show up, it's on or headed towards the rocks:
- Criticism. During a project two years ago, a client resorted to pointing out universal flaws in staff, rather than lodging a complaint about a specific challenge that needed to be addressed. Personal attacks that aren't constructive to creating a win-win solution are a red herring for dysfunction.
- Contempt. The same person responded to us one time with sarcasm and cynicism, calling one of our teammates lazy. We investigated and found the exact opposite to be true, so the perspective was either warped or informed by personal challenges.
- Stonewalling. This same individual refused to engage in collaborative problem solving with the person in question on our team. In fact, the input our Change by Design individual provided was fully ignored by this person. This provided us with little recourse, or even an avenue for maintaining an ongoing partnership. Gratefully we were at the end of the project and were able to deliver on time, on budget, and in an exceptional manner. Simply refusing to acknowledge someone, though, isn't just disrespectful. It will likely doom a relationship.
- Defensiveness. If someone doesn't stonewall, they may blame instead. Partners who don't consider all the facts on both sides, focusing solely on their own perspective, have a lot of difficulty applying empathy to problem-solve obstacles. If they say "The problem isn't me – it's you," then watch out. And be sure not to do that either...
One of the ways you can improve partnership communication in your business is to use quantitative rating for decision-making. This helps get to the root cause and understand why it is important to each person first. You and your partner both might want a specific result from your joint effort or want to spend "X" amount of money… but you disagree on the importance. When that happens, we can use a simple scale of 1 – 10, where 1 = I don't care at all, and 10 = must have it. If your partnership is built on trust, you will each fairly rate how important the result is, then compare to see which way things will go. But what if you both rate it at a 5, or even a 10? Then, there must be compromise.
Sometimes, simple things that carry a lot of emotional weight can be resolved by chance. Like a coin toss, after agreeing to what heads means, what tails means, and that we will each abide by the results. Years back, when Paul and I realized we needed to work on some things, our marriage and family therapist gave us an interesting conflict-resolver. In session, she took out a blank piece of paper and cut out a circle. Then she cut the circle in half, and gave one half to each of us. Finally, she said that each of us gets ½ of everything we want. AND you have to fight for the other person to get what they want as much as you fight for what you want.
Whether a partnership is informal or formal, personal or business, the same principles apply. Respect, trust, common values, and a willingness to compromise will help you achieve the success you seek. Being a company that demonstrates integrity, effectiveness, and behaves in a proven, trustworthy manner is always a prerequisite to engaging with others as a partner of either kind.
Many of Change by Design's long-term partnerships started first with a chance meeting at an event, followed by many years of collaboration through adversity. By sticking it out together, we've created lasting ties that continue to benefit all of our organizations. Change by Design is fortunate in that we are viewed as a company consistently demonstrating respect and trustworthiness by our many clients and colleagues. As a volunteer on the Greater Tallahassee Chamber of Commerce's membership committee, it became apparent that businesspeople who were members in the Chamber Leads Groups would benefit from training on how to be effective at networking in the leads group setting. Change by Design developed a skills-focused branching scenario training on these skills (you can view the looping demo video here) which afforded members unlimited use of the training in return for sponsorship opportunities throughout 2023. This win-win solution was enormously helpful for us to move the needle forward on opportunities in Tallahassee and beyond. Plus it provided a highly effective asset for improving engagement for Chamber members.
I encourage you to find those who share the same passion, ethical stance, and commitment to delivering mutual success that you do. Through sound partnership investment and a willingness to persevere together, you will each enjoy greater success than you would apart.
Yours Truly,
Sue
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